Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to give this to both of you. Maybe I’ll just tear it down the middle and give you each half, and maybe seeing that will remind you how I feel sometimes. I've never had mixed feelings about any guy, the way I've had mixed feelings about you. Both of you decided that the feeling of me in your arms wasn't anything compared to the feeling of needles filled with poison stuck in them and sometimes it makes me question my worth. And although you've both cleaned up and are a part of my life at times I wish you weren't. It's a bittersweet feeling to see you both with my son, actually loving something other than yourself, it makes me envious that you take more pride in my own child than your own. Some might say it's cruel the words I have to say to both of you, but if they knew all the disappointment you've put me through the last 17 1/2 years of my life, they'd think differently. I don't necessarily hate you, but I don't like you either. It's hard to love someone that only loves themselves. Do you see my dilemma? Even so people tell me to forgive and forget, but how do you forgive and forget for the hundredth time in a row? The truth is you've never been there for me, not emotionally, not financially, never. You can say you've been around, and physically yes, but that time in 2nd grade when I slammed my finger in the car trunk you weren't there to kiss it better, and that time in 7th grade when I was bulled to the point of hating myself you weren't there for me to have a shoulder to cry on, and even that time in 10th grade when the boy I confided everything into for a year of my life cheated on me and left me because he didn't trust me. Every moment of my life hasn't been in your hands. My life has been made of so many maybe's it's almost heartbreaking, maybe I'll get to see mom on mother's day this year, maybe my dad won't disappoint me, maybe I won't be embarrassed to go to a school function for parents an the only one there for me is my grandma. Maybe I'm not really mad at you, maybe I just miss you a lot and I'm just reacting wrongly. Maybe, you just don't have much to say and that's why you aren't calling. Eventually the maybes have turned to guarantees and that is the most heartbreaking thing. A 8 year old on mother's day shouldn't have to wait at the window for their mother to show up and eventually realize after waiting for hours mom isn't coming and in the process of erasing mom to write grandma on the the card you got for her you rip it and then you just decided to throw it away in the trash. They shouldn't have to feel like they're being bought things to love their father. They shouldn't have to tell their 4 year old brother and one year old sister that everything is going to be okay and they are going to go home, they're just going on a little trip when they are taken from their mother no questions asked by DCFS. I'm bitter as hell and as much as I've worked on it I just keep ripping open new wounds. I feel so ripped apart between you two, like a toy on the playground and you both are pulling me in different directions and pretty soon my batteries are going to fall out and I’m just not going to work anymore. I want to work, I want to work by myself though. I’m tired of being played with, I kind of just want to be alone at this point. Maybe if my family life wasn't so toxic I wouldn't be as sick as I feel.
If there's one thing I can thank you for is if I didn't look to you guys as examples of what not to be, I wouldn't be the person I am today, and I would like to think that I like the person that I am today. I know you'll never read this, but I'd like to believe that getting it out of me is good for something. I'd like to believe that I'm going to start to heal these wounds you've left on my heart. I'd like to believe I can trust you both again, but time can only tell.
With some kind of love, Sherice.
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