A Letter To My Biggest Lesson

Dear Galaxied-Eyed-Boy,

I’ve been asked so many times why I let ‘us’ go on for so long if I knew that what was happening was wrong; and because by the end there was sexual tension, but no longer a mental connection between the both of us; and the fact that we weren’t ever really an ‘us’ to begin with. But what most of those people don’t realize is that there’s so many hurtful words I could say, so much bitterness I could pour out of my heart, so many things that others might deem acceptable, that you might believe is an acceptable response to what has happened, but maybe I’m just not like all the others.

Timing can be frustrating. Believing that things happen to slowly or too quickly is an illusion. Timing is perfect; and sometimes you fall for the wrong person at the right time; there is no such thing as the right person at the wrong time. I think it took me awhile to realize just how hard it is to say this, but you were never the right person for me, and I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s good, because as much as it has hurt me, it’s been one of the best parts of my life. I’ve learned so many great lessons from you, and I’ve had the opportunity to feel that kind of unconditional love for someone. And regardless of all the scars left on me from just you, a nineteen year old boy, I will always continue to see the good in you. I choose to see that and I choose to believe in you, regardless of what has happened between the both of us, but that’s just who I am as a person. I choose to see the good in people, even when they’ve done nothing but do me wrong again and again. I choose to love them despite their faults, and that’s what made ‘us’ going on for so long bearable.

Many might say you don’t know how to love anything but yourself, but I know you are capable of love, you just aren’t capable of loving me; and you may not have loved me, but you gave me something even more extraordinary, you taught me to love myself. I hope that one day you find someone to pour your heart into, unfortunately that person is not me, and I’ve realized this through time. You once told me you felt as if something was missing from you and you would find what you were looking for with me; I was part of your journey, never permanent, only temporary, and I've finally come to terms that I am okay with that. I pray you’ve found what you were missing, or have come further to finding it.

Thank you for the confidence you bestowed upon me, thank you for teaching me to let go of things that aren’t good for me, thank you for teaching me how to forgive.

Love, 

                      Sherice. 

Wild Hearted.

Since I was a child I have always been on the move. Always getting myself into trouble. Always losing myself in my wild imagination. Always on the run, leaving, never staying. Commitment has always been a ring far too big to fit on my finger, slipping and sliding from my life, never consistent. And it makes me extremely sad that something can hurt someone so badly when they are younger that they never quite recover from it. I never believed in permanence, because even permanent marker washed off. I never believed that moms and dads could be happy together, or that there were good moms and dads, because my parents were never around for me. And sometimes I wish I could just stop, and breath. But when does the breathing get easier?

My grandmother once told me I was a starter not a finisher. I would start something and quickly dispose of it. Soccer, swim, singing, piano, cooking, relationships, friends, track, dance, softball, writing; I never stuck with anything as much as I put my heart into it at first, it all seemed pointless towards the end. Although, I met a man, his eyes were only brown, but when I looked into them I saw colors that didn't even exist. How he managed to make me feel so safe is beyond me, but I swear to god I will never take it for granted. When I couldn't see in front of me, I trusted him to help me find my way down the path. He has since caused my fluttering heart to want to settle down. It's cliché, but he saved me, he is saving me.

Someday I hope to be able to be the girl who stays, and doesn't leave. I hope that I can be the type of women to settle into a routine. Be a women who gets up in the morning to make breakfast for her family instead of sleeping in until noon and having to convince myself to get out of bed. Be a women that can look at herself and be happy with the reflection instead of covering every mirror in sight. The type of women to cook healthy casseroles instead of starving myself than binging on celery and oranges. The type of women that can pour her love into someone who loves her back. The type of women who stays, and doesn't go.

-S.M.

(Insert Date Here)

The sunset is still a gorgeous spill of colors. 

Purplish blue on top of a horizon battling an orange glow, 

a sunset that never fades from the eyes.

It's almost as if the world had come at a standstill, 

and a peaceful melody has begun.

And a realization that after years and years of spending time so close.

The memories still bring me to a whole different dimension.

It never once occurred to me how this part of the song would go.

It could have been heavy metal, soft blues, 

heck.

Even eighties classics, but no.

It felt like a slow starting duet, between two voices, two beautifully diverse voices.

Creating the most magnificent melody ever heard.

It felt final, like a downwards slope starting to level out.

Gentle and gradual. 

When I was younger,

I would spin and spin and spin 'til the ground rose up to meet me. 

Falling for you was exactly the same, but with more cuddling.

(~S.M~)

Thirty Letters To Burn: A Letter To My Dreams.

Dear Dreams, 

When they tell you 'go big or go home' this is definitely something you should put that towards. Never let anyone tell you that your dreams are unattainable, because they are only as unattainable as you make them out to be. I dream of the stars, I dream of a place I call home, I dream to feel comfortable in both body and soul. I have a million things I wish to do, there's a list as long as the lines at Disney World. Some aren't as important as others, like the way I dream to have hair as long as can be, cause we all know I get bored, or heartbroken, or just plain sick of it and chop it all off to prepare myself to start dreaming about long hair again. I have few important things like how I hope to have someone feel the same way I do, where their finger tips trace along my skin like they're playing on a piano, I want to know what it's really like to be in love and another person be in love with me back. I want to climb the mountains, metaphorically. I mean I love hiking don't get me wrong it's on my list to do that a lot more in the future, but I mean I want to climb to the top of my life, I want to succeed in something I love and be totally happy. I want to travel, I want to see the world and not have a care in the world. I want to watch the sunset on the beach in Melbourne, kiss on top of the Eiffel Tower and get soaked under Niagara falls.

There are so many more things worth mentioning, but that's just it there are too many for words.All I can really say is, dreams watch out. Because I'm going to reach you. 

Love; Sherice.

Thirty Letters To Burn: A Letter To My Younger Self.

Dear You,

Well Me, I hope you look back on this from time to time, to remind yourself that everything changes come tomorrow. I hope you read this when things get tough. When you feel as if everything is going downhill, and there is no hope. I hope you read this when you're confused, when you're at a fork in road, you don't know which path you should head down next. I've done a lot of thinking, boy do I mean a lot of thinking. So much to the point of creating made up situations and problems that cause me stress on a day to day basis. Whether this be you 5 years ago, or a year ago, things have changed considerably. I'm proud of you, that's the first thing I'm going to tell you. You have overcome so many obstacles, you haven't been given an easy life, nor have you been given the hardest, but overall you've stayed strong when you were thrown a curve ball, when you were hit you got back up, and I admire you for your strength. You've made so many mistakes, some you can never take back, but that is okay, everyone makes mistakes and although you've made mistakes, they do not mask over all the things you've done exactly right. Never forget that.
I know that someday's it's hard to get out of bed, and all you want to do it wither away, and disappear. I know someday's it feels like nobody in the entire universe could feel what you are feeling, that absolutely no one could understand. I know that days it feel like your heart is going to explode inside your chest, but that is okay, you are allowed to feel hurt, you are allowed to be upset, you are allowed to feel angry, and heartbroken. You are allowed to cry. But never give up. You're stronger than that.
That person who constantly asks you if you're okay, is terrified it won't be. Don't take them for granted. That person is someone you will be so grateful for, you may not realize it right away, but it'll hit you in the face when you least expect it. Always keep that person close.
What you look for in a person is going to change. What you find attractive will change. The boy you're chasing after that doesn't seem to want you isn't going to be on your mind forever and years down the road you're going to laugh at the fact that you even wanted him in the first place.
You're going to make mistakes. I can't repeat this enough.
You might never forgive some people, but that's okay. If you can't find it in your heart to forgive someone they didn't deserve your heart in the first place.
You're going to find someone that will not compare to all the others, one that will drive miles to see you just for a few hours. One that will stay up all night talking about basically nothing and they're going to love cuddling just as much as you do. They'll respect your decisions and never question your motive. Someone that will make you feel like you're on top of the world and you're going to realize that sometimes you don't end up with these kind of people, but in your heart you'll always love them and as much as you're afraid to say it, you should always tell them, you'll regret not telling them.
You're going to get your heart broke a million and one times, even by the people you care about the most. It's okay to feel heartbroken.
When someone tells you they can't be with you because they're afraid they'll ruin you, what they're really saying is 'I'm afraid you're going to ruin me so please walk away from this because I don't know how.'
Trust your gut. If you think someone is cheating they probably are. And that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Don't deny it, and never blame yourself. Let it go, that person doesn't deserve you, no matter how much you two have been through together. You're going to stumble across someone worth while. You're going to find the bad before you find the good, but above all, never give up. You deserve the best.
You're beautiful just the way you are, you don't need to be thinner or fitter or prettier. Stop listening to that pessimistic voice in your head and remember you are unique and there isn't a person in the world that is like you.
Be true to yourself. Never let a man, or a friend, or your family throw away your morals. No matter how much you want them in your life, you matter first.

Love, Sherice. 

Thirty Letters To Burn: A Letter To My Parents.

Dear Mom and Dad, 

I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to give this to both of you. Maybe I’ll just tear it down the middle and give you each half, and maybe seeing that will remind you how I feel sometimes. I've never had mixed feelings about any guy, the way I've had mixed feelings about you. Both of you decided that the feeling of me in your arms wasn't anything compared to the feeling of needles filled with poison stuck in them and sometimes it makes me question my worth. And although you've both cleaned up and are a part of my life at times I wish you weren't. It's a bittersweet feeling to see you both with my son, actually loving something other than yourself, it makes me envious that you take more pride in my own child than your own. Some might say it's cruel the words I have to say to both of you, but if they knew all the disappointment you've put me through the last 17 1/2 years of my life, they'd think differently. I don't necessarily hate you, but I don't like you either. It's hard to love someone that only loves themselves. Do you see my dilemma? Even so people tell me to forgive and forget, but how do you forgive and forget for the hundredth time in a row? The truth is you've never been there for me, not emotionally, not financially, never. You can say you've been around, and physically yes, but that time in 2nd grade when I slammed my finger in the car trunk you weren't there to kiss it better, and that  time in 7th grade when I was bulled to the point of hating myself you weren't there for me to have a shoulder to cry on, and even that time in 10th grade when the boy I confided everything into for a year of my life cheated on me and left me because he didn't trust me. Every moment of my life hasn't been in your hands. My life has been made of so many maybe's it's almost heartbreaking, maybe I'll get to see mom on mother's day this year, maybe my dad won't disappoint me, maybe I won't be embarrassed to go to a school function for parents an the only one there for me is my grandma. Maybe I'm not really mad at you, maybe I just miss you a lot and I'm just reacting wrongly. Maybe, you just don't have much to say and that's why you aren't calling. Eventually the maybes have turned to guarantees and that is the most heartbreaking thing. A 8 year old on mother's day shouldn't have to wait at the window for their mother to show up and eventually realize after waiting for hours mom isn't coming and in the process of erasing mom to write grandma on the the card you got for her you rip it and then you just decided to throw it away in the trash. They shouldn't have to feel like they're being bought things to love their father. They shouldn't have to tell their 4 year old brother and one year old sister that everything is going to be okay and they are going to go home, they're just going on a little trip when they are taken from their mother no questions asked by DCFS. I'm bitter as hell and as much as I've worked on it I just keep ripping open new wounds. I feel so ripped apart between you two, like a toy on the playground and you both are pulling me in different directions and pretty soon my batteries are going to fall out and I’m just not going to work anymore. I want to work, I want to work by myself though. I’m tired of being played with, I kind of just want to be alone at this point. Maybe if my family life wasn't so toxic I wouldn't be as sick as I feel.
If there's one thing I can thank you for is if I didn't look to you guys as examples of what not to be, I wouldn't be the person I am today, and I would like to think that I like the person that I am today. I know you'll never read this, but I'd like to believe that getting it out of me is good for something. I'd like to believe that I'm going to start to heal these wounds you've left on my heart. I'd like to believe I can trust you both again, but time can only tell.

With some kind of love, Sherice. 

Thirty Letters To Burn: A Letter To My Best Friend.

Dear Best Friend,

      It's come to my realization that you and I hardly talk anymore on a personal basis, but when we do, things couldn't be more understanding. I think as we grow older we're starting to grow apart, but that's not necessarily a bad thing because we are both bettering our lives. I have so many things I want to say to you and this letter might be unorganized and sloppy.

     Things haven't been the same since we stopped talking about a year ago, but I can't say they are as bad as they were. Those four months were some of the hardest months of my life and it broke my heart that I didn't have my best friend there when I needed her the most. I'm still angry that all of that happened, I'm angry that I was betrayed by the person I thought that would always have my back, but I can tell you I'm not upset with you anymore. Some of the things you told me were things I absolutely needed to hear, the person I was then was a person I do not know, she was selfish and rude. I didn't know how to care about anyone but myself, my head was so warped around the fantasy that I could have a perfect family with with a boy who never cared an ounce for me and that was totally wrong to turn my back on my family him. I am so sorry for going those months with no words, for cutting you out. Since then I could not be more happy to have a best friend like you in my life. You're the only person I know for sure I can absolutely count on, and we butt heads a lot, but that's totally normal.

I'm proud of you.

      I am so proud of the person you are becoming. The places you are going. It seems like just yesterday we were running around town buying Monsters and blue Fun-Dip, that we were making ridiculous videos at your house, taking a million selfies before they were a thing, hiding our cellphone numbers in cute boys boats up camping and laughing until our stomach's felt like they were about to explode. I know a lot of those things haven't happened in awhile, things have changed considerably. We both have changed. We aren't the same girls that we even just a year ago. We've broke each other's hearts probably more than once, but that doesn't change the fact that I love you and always will. I cannot stress that enough. I have shared some of the most joyous parts of my life with you and there is no one else I would rather have shared them with. Thank you for your words of wisdom, the confidence you bestow to me, and the friendship that people dream of.

Love, Sherice.