The Little Things.

Nowadays in society it's all about bigger and better. And some people believe solely that a grand gesture is what love is all about, they think that buying them that giant bouquet of roses, and a diamond ring is what is going to make someone know you love them. When more than often the little things are what someone will remember. It is never about grand gestures, more than often not someone's going to remember that time you both just lied there talking about anything and everything until 4 am, or that time when you went out for ice cream, or that time you went swimming and everything felt so incredibly right or even the smallest gesture of messaging someone 'Good Morning.' It's the small things nowadays that people take for granted. Life isn't meant to take in large strides, the next day you're going to sleep, and inevitably the moment will have passed, and thousands of small moments that you can step back and appreciate in the long run are so much more satisfying. You don't have to plan out some giant, extravagant moment to blow somebody's mind. You're not Romeo/or Juliet. There is no reason to drink the poison together in some flame-out gesture. It's all about detail, and that is exactly what love is, paying attention to detail.
The moment will end, maybe things will get boring, and things will get a little quiet, it might all end horribly, and you might hate each other in the end, you might walk away one day and never speak to each other again. But that is life, and that's just how it goes. But more than often not she's going to remember the time you held open the door for her on your first date. And he's going to remember the way your nose crinkled and scrunched up when you laughed. She's going to remember the way you held her close at night when everything didn't seem right. And he's going to remember how happy you were that time at the beach. They're going to remember the small things a lot longer than the big ones. And even though things end, I'll tell you why to make the small moments, they count so much more. One day, when old age take a hold of you, you might only remember their smile. Everything you ever did together, every moment, every second, every beat, every morning spent in bed, every evening spent on the couch, every dinner date, every conversation, all of that disappears, it's gone. You don't remember their name, or the moments. But you might remember their smile, and you'll smile, uncontrollably, and it will come from somewhere so deep inside of you, that you'll know that they touched you on a primal, honest, and true level, that no scientist, scholar, doctor, or savant, could ever begin to explain. There is no more, and nothing else. There is just their smile, and you know what? That is truly sensational.

-S.M.

"Everyone is trying to accomplish something big not realizing that life is made up of little things."

-Frank A. Clark

The L Word.

A lot of people throw around the phrases, "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" far too much. We use love as a synonym for care, because we don't know how to express our feelings in words. You can deeply care for someone beyond recognition, but not love them. It's possible. Love is hard to explain. It's a difficult word to explain because I do not know much about it myself. It's like when you look at that person, you can't even begin to imagine what life is without them, it's like knowing that no matter what they do, or what they say they are always going to have a special place inside your heart. And years from now that person may still cross your mind, but they might not be there, and as heartbreaking as that might seem, that's the beautiful thing about love. We get to experience love on so many different spectrum's, the passionate love, the messy love, the romantic love, the impulsive love, the drop dead amazing love. Love has no boundaries, and whether it be 2 months or 2 years that does not measure the amount you can love someone.

I have dated many guys, but out of those many I've only really loved 3 of them. Infatuation and lust played a big part, and like many I threw around the L word many times when I was younger, when I experienced actual love, all those others that I 'loved' seemed so mediocre, and I knew that I might have cared for them, but I never loved any of them. I loved a boy who had aqua blue eyes, and a selfish heart, he wouldn't even look at me twice. I loved a boy with green eyes and a freckled face. I loved a boy with eyes as dark as chocolate, and a smile that absolutely radiated my entire world. And through these loves I found peace within myself, I found forgiveness, and I found hope. Throughout the last 3 years, I have made myself so miserable. I discounted myself. I poured myself into others that didn't deserve my love, nor my friendship. I never realized that until someone started treating me with respect, and I realize now that I am not weak for walking away from others so quickly, I am so strong and I deserve so much better. I have realized you cannot hold onto people when they're already gone. That you cannot be with someone you've grown to resent. You cannot continue to give your all when there is nothing in return. You cannot hold grudges if you want to be happy. That I'm always going to love these 3 boys no matter the circumstances.


To the boy with aqua blue eyes: Thank you.

To the boy with freckled cheeks: Thank you.

To the boy with a beautiful smile: Thank you.

-S.M.

"There's a big difference between falling in love and being in love. There's a big difference between infatuation and falling in love."

-Phil McGraw

Unhealthy Relationships.

We will find ourselves in a few hard situations, where we must let go of a relationship because it is getting unhealthy. No matter the relationship type, whether it is a good friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, even a family member. You must do what is best for yourself, and what is going to help you, what is going to benefit you, not others. It is okay to be selfish with your feelings every once and awhile, if you are not happy with a relationship, when there is only one sided effort, or the other person is hurtful it is okay to say you've had enough. It's okay to push them away, if they care enough to show you that they want to fix things, and it's okay to say yes, but it's also okay to say no.

This year I have learned a lot about unhealthy relationships, in both the aspects of friendship, and relationship. I learned not everyone who says they're you're friend is there for your well being, and that a lot of the people you call friends at school are only your friends because you see them 5 days a week. That not all of those friends are going to be there when things get rough, and some may even turn against you. Some of those friends are mostly calling you a friend for their benefit. I've learned there needs to be healthy boundaries with family too. This year I cut a lot of my own family out of my life because they were hurtful and unsupportive, fortunately this was one of those cases where we all work on it and talked things through to build a healthy relationship. Lastly, I learned you cannot be with someone you've grown to resent. I spent half of this year trying to hold onto a boy who I honestly didn't even want. I began to resent him for being so oblivious to the fact I was trying to make our relationship healthy for our son, and this was one of those cases where it was one sided, and I needed to pull myself from the situation.

To the people I can actually call friends: I'm so grateful we have all worked things out, and that we can talk things through instead of argue. I am thankful we have kept things positive and healthy.

-S.M.

"To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship."

-Doménico Cieri Estrada

Letting People Be There For Us.

It is a hard pill to swallow when we know something is wrong, it is even harder when someone else knows and is willing to let you throw your sorrows at them. But sometimes that is exactly what we need, we need nurturing, we need someone to care about us. Many of us have got so good at building road blocks and walls so high to stop ourselves from getting what we need. You cannot keep pushing support away, you are depriving yourself of something you need as a human being. You need to know you're cared about every once in awhile. You need to let go of your fear of being the victim, you need to stop letting yourself get disappointed. Trust yourself, put a little trust in the person trying to help you. Learn to let go of your fears, t may not happen all at once, but take one day a step at a time.

When I got pregnant I felt as if I had the weight of the word on my shoulders all the time, I was trying to balance school, I was trying to balance my health, I was trying to build a trusting relationship with my baby's father, and I was beyond overwhelmed. My family had alienated me, and all my friends didn't understand what my needs were, and I don't think I really understood what my needs were either. There was a boy I had met that school year, and he was the only one who really understood what I needed, without even talking to me often. Every time I felt down it was like he was always there to ask me if I was okay, even though countless times I had told him I didn't want to talk about it, but the fact he kept coming back and asking and trying to make me feel better was what I really needed, I needed someone that cared about me, I needed to know I was cared about and because of him I made it through everything.

To the boy who cared when no one else did: You gave me strength to believe everything was okay, you gave me trust, you helped me to repair relationships all with three simple words, "Are you okay?" Thank you for being a friend.

"To often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

-Leo Buscaglia

First Love.

A lot of us have resentments against our first love, and we're angry that person had to be the first person that we loved and the first person who broke out heart. That we put our trust in this person and they broke it, but we shouldn't be. First loves are our first lessons in love. We learn valuable lessons that we put toward future relationships, we learn what we want, we learn what we don't want. We shouldn't hold any resentment, we should be grateful that we got to truly experience those feelings.

I spent a lot of my time thinking I was in love with someone when I was younger, when truly I hadn't even experience what it was like go love just yet. When I finally knew what love was I was in 9th grade. My first love was with a boy who I had met at the beginning of middle school, and who I would destroy by the end.  I wasn't always kind to him, and I regret it. The view he had on me by the end of our friendship/relationship was terrible. 3 years I led him on, playing cruel games, trying to be a girl I wasn't. I had talked on the phone with him for hours, I had spend countless days with him, and never once did I regret them. I truly believe I wanted to be with him, and that we were supposed to be together if not for my troubles, and my depression. I knew I could always count on him, and the heart breaking thing is he couldn't ever count on me, because it was always about me. It haunts me to this day what I put him through in the last few months of our friendship. No matter how bad he was to me, what I did will always outweigh it. I have made my amends, and I will always have a special place for him in my heart, perhaps if we weren't so young when we had met things would have been different.

To my first love: Thank you for showing me things no one else could, thank you for helping me realize my selfishness and become a better person. I am so grateful.

-S.M.

"There is no love like the first."

-Nicholas Sparks

Life lessons.

2014 was a year of learning, surviving, hardships, loving, letting go, finding faith, a year of figuring out who I really am. It has been a long hard road, but also surprisingly short. These past few years of my life I have been so lost with no one to guide me, no one to teach me, or tell me what to do when things got tough. I have been so confused, so lonely, I have been looking for friendship in the wrong people, trying to fill this void in my chest with the wrong things. I have been ungrateful, hateful, hurtful and selfish. I lived believing the world owed me something because I have been hurting. I have lived pushing my family, my friends, anyone who said they loved me, completely out of my life. The lessons I have learned this year will follow me for the rest of my life.

Lessons I have learned in 2014:

"I'm sorry." will eventually lose its meaning when you keep apologizing over and over for the exact same thing.

The one who tells you 'it will be okay' is terrified it wont be.

Don't look back, you're not going that way.

Time flies.

The end isn't always as permanent as is sounds.

You do not have to die to know you'll be missed.

You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone when you've grown to resent them.

Things always work out in the end, no matter the circumstance.

If it matters to you, it's not stupid.

Even the people you love and care about the most won't always be there for you.

Actions speak louder than words.

What's important to you won't always be important to another person.

The world would be so much better if everyone loved twice as much as they hated.

You are allowed to feel angry, you are allowed to feel upset, you are allowed to cry.

Promises don't mean anything when a person isn't trustworthy.

The most important thing they should teach in school is patience.

Guys who can smooth talk are trouble.

Don't let your emotions dictate your decisions.

Never settle for less than what you deserve.

If they keep making excuses, drop them.

Your dreams are never unattainable.

Negativity will only find you if you let it.

At some point you have to let go of what you thought should happen, and live in what is happening.

-S.M.

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

-Mahatma Gandhi

Letting Go.

Life is a crazy thing, I can tell you that first hand, you do things you never thought was possible, thing that are completely against your morals. You are so hurt on the inside that you hurt others, and you give in to your selfish wants. And you're thinking back to a time when you were so phenomenally happy, it makes you miserable, because you're not that happy now, or thinking back to a time when you were so incredibly sad, when everything was falling apart at the seems. And you're wishing that you could just be back to a time where you felt content, and happy with life, and yourself. You grow as a person every single day. You're a new person every day. And everyday you need to let go of something. You need to realize the negative things lingering around your heart and soul are what it causing you to be unhappy. Acceptance. You need to accept the faults of others, you need to accept the faults of yourself.

This whole life is made of pieces, and those pieces you need to put together, like a puzzle, sometimes you're going to get the wrong piece, and you have to realize, that it's okay. You're going to learn, you're going to get the wrong answer at times, and you're going to hurt, but that is life. And life gets scary at times, but I can tell you that even though it's scary, and you're afraid, it ends. Once you learn to let go of the past, stop fretting about the future and living in the present, you're going to realize life is a beautiful thing and shouldn't be spent dwelling on things that are out of our control, it shouldn't be spent living up to standards, or people who 'care' for you. I'm letting go of a person, a person I do not know any longer. Someone that is so unrecognizable to me. That person is me, the me I used to be. I'm growing apart from everyone, and that is because the person I am trying to be is a girl that does not exist anymore.

To my past self: It wasn't your fault, it never has been your fault, I forgive you.

-S.M.

"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward." 

-Steve Maraboli.